Another flyaway piece of paper

I have my little fantasy ideals and so far I'm sure that they're unattainable: what is unattainable is an end without the means. A lot of the time, perhaps even all the time, daydreaming forgets the means. It creates vivid ends, goals, hopes. So I suppose I'm crawling through a 'means'. We all are, everyday, but this is different, not to everyone else but to me, its my first major choice to work without intent of falling short, or without the notion that says I will settle for falling short, for dropping it all if it comes to... hard. I may decide on a lifestyle change, like waking up early and jogging, then gradually get up later and later but this is of a different category, its something that shapes who you are in a much deeper way. I suppose it is part of self-actualization, but only in light of others. I liked how you explained in your 'bells' email how we don't see our own beauty but we see it amongst the brokenness of others, which in turn validates our own.

Its this brokenness that I'm learning to allow to surface, to breathe, to heal, to share. Its all this brokenness that shines brightly in my eyes when I see you being polished; my reflection in your eyes seems sick. Being in close environments illuminates all of who we are, it brings afresh the pain of realization that I'm not enough.

The Darren Hayes lyrics that sometimes get stuck in my head, I don't know what song it is but it plays on my ipod at times, it goes "you make me feel like the act of love is empty". And I was thinking this again, after your big talk. You see everything you were saying was so incredibly profound it just paralyzed me, because my thoughts were so rash against them. And I suppose there is elements of comparing there, and pride; me wanting to be more profound than everyone, but the thing is, profound'ness only comes from God filtrating wisdom on one's skeletal thoughts and I know in me, that I am not facilitating a place for that anywhere near as much as i have previously. Not because I'm like meh, bleargh God, but just... because its happened. And it frustrates me, hurts me when I realize this ans thats why i know its a good to feel this, coz if I didn't then something would be wrong, terribly wrong. I don't intend to stay here, out in the big world, floating, fending for ourselves, I suppose there will always be ebbs and flow..

You know I think relationships are very interesting when you remember God. As in, I think that people don't really fall in love people so much, what we love, what makes us go crazy inside is God in people, even personality, God made it, its his image, each person has different elements of it here and there but ultimately the amazing love is our spirit loving the part of God we see in others. Each person is unique in this however, thus why some we are more drawn to... perhaps...
I remember writing an essay on relationships in light of the trinity once but it didn't cover this, I think this is up there, important to note, even if I haven't figured it out properly yet, even if my thoughts are all wonky and loose.

This makes me recall my thoughts on the whole 'the one' thing. I don't think there is an only one in the world kinda thing... I think that when each other slips from God, thats when we loose that crazy love feeling, the other half becomes 'uglier' less attractive, not just appearance wise but presence wise... ..

....

the drive home muse =

... there have been times when I've thought and agreed with myself that I am not an 'evangelisty' type person, as in, the telling people about how amazing God is to people, bring that topic up in nearly every conversation... but, I know why... because I do do it... sometimes, and I realised when, for today I was working on an exegesis. on hosea 11, which happens to be one of my favorite passages ever. and when i got to the taylors maccas roundabout tonight, it occurred to me that the feeling inside me, that sense that I'm getting nearer to something, that I'm getting nearer to knowledge that i will find myself spilling, not choosing to spill which would be pour but spilling out as one spilling a drink in excitement. And its because Ive spent the time to get acquainted with the text, to see and grasp onto the amazingness, and whence I do that... that is when i spill...

this doesn't take a genius to figure out... just someone bothered enough to delve..

Turpentine

I have been productive today... I am pleased.

Spurgeons Evening Meditation Oct 16....

"With Thee is the fountain of life."—Psalm 36:9.

HERE are times in our spiritual experience when human counsel or sympathy, or religious ordinances, fail to comfort or help us. Why does our gracious God permit this? Perhaps it is because we have been living too much without Him, and He therefore takes away everything upon which we have been in the habit of depending, that He may drive us to Himself. It is a blessed thing to live at the fountain head. While our skin-bottles are full, we are content, like Hagar and Ishmael, to go into the wilderness; but when those are dry, nothing will serve us but "Thou God seest me." We are like the prodigal, we love the swine-troughs and forget our Father's house. Remember, we can make swine-troughs and husks even out of the forms of religion; they are blessed things, but we may put them in God's place, and then they are of no value. Anything becomes an idol when it keeps us away from God: even the brazen serpent is to be despised as "Nehushtan," if we worship it instead of God. The prodigal was never safer than when he was driven to his father's bosom, because he could find sustenance nowhere else. Our Lord favours us with a famine in the land that it may make us seek after Himself the more. The best position for a Christian is living wholly and directly on God's grace—still abiding where he stood at first—"Having nothing, and yet possessing all things." Let us never for a moment think that our standing is in our sanctification, our mortification, our graces, or our feelings, but know that because Christ offered a full atonement, therefore we are saved; for we are complete in Him. Having nothing of our own to trust to, but resting upon the merits of Jesus—His passion and holy life furnish us with the only sure ground of confidence. Beloved, when we are brought to a thirsting condition, we are sure to turn to the fountain of life with eagerness.

Hippy talk

Perhaps...

The source of all things, the source from which I exist, the source that split at the seams and revealed, grass, trees, snow, wind and swans. The source that continues to support me and re- source me daily, hourly, by the minute and very second. Perhaps, also this source remains the source of all things that were created apart from my species... A neglected notion, none thunk, yet written in the very air I inhale. Humankind interacts with earth. Earth interacts with Weather systems. weather systems interact with humankind... fauna interacts with earth. Earth interacts with flora. flora interacts with fauna. humankind interacts with fauna. fauna interacts with weather systems, weather systems interact with flora.

creation... interacts... with its source.

Creation interacts with Jesus.

Tulips are sourced by Jesus. Volcanoes find their existence in Jesus... if he were divinely apathetic, would they still remain? Without a source how does existence continue? I live, therefore Jesus interacts with me, he continues to do so.. i am not running from a wound up clock. Swordfish remain beneath the waters, therefore.... Jesus interacts with them?

what is their conscious state? Does the worm understand its source? Does the fire feel Jesus? they do not think, they do not comprehend our life form, perhaps then, they are aware, on another level.... beyond anything we could ever possibly begin to understand. But that is surely possible...


"All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made"